ibibigay ko lng po sa matanda

ANAK: Nay,Nay penge po ng barya ibibigay ko lng po sa matanda

NANAY:W0w ang bait naman ng anak ko Nasan nga pla ung matanda?

ANAK: Un po oohhh ung nagtitinda ng Ice Cream!

Freetaste

Promodiser: Maam! Freetaste po!!

Maam: Ai ok.. sige patikim!!

:PWEH!!! anu yan bakit lasang panis!!??

Promodiser : Yan! ganyan ang mangyayari sa pagkain niyo pag di niyo nilagay sa Refrigirator!!

kaya anu pang hinihintay niyo?! bumili na po kayo ng Refrigirator namin!!

Maam : L3che ka!!!

DUGO DUGO GANG--

May Isang Yaya sa Isang Mansion..

Nag-Ring ang Telepono

(kringgg-kringgg) 
Inday:Hello? Mr.Lim's Risidince

Dugo-Dugo gang: Hello! Ito si Sir mo. Buksan mo yung cabinet yung madaming pera padala mo sa lalaking papadala ko dyan sa bahayInday: Bakit naman ako maniniwala sayo? Kailangan ko ng Pruweba,ano tawag saakin ni Ser?

Dugo-Dugo Gang:Edi Inday tawag niya sayo

inday: Hindi nga ikaw si Ser!

Dugo-Dugo Gang:Bakit ano ba tawag sayo ni Ser?

Inday: Edi Sweety, Sabi ko na nga ba Dugo-Dugo Gang! bahala ka na nga.

My Attitude

My attitude is based on how you treat me. 
In tagalog: Ang aking ugali ay base kung paano mo ako ililibre.

Kambal na Lasing

Dalawang lasing ang nag-uusap sa bar.
Lasing1: Oi pare, ang gwapo mo!
Lasing2: Pare ikaw din.!
At malakas na halakhak ang lumabas sa bibig ng 2 lasing BwaHaHaHa.
Lasing1: Ang birthday ko, October 15 1984, ikaw pare kailan birthday mo?
Lasing2: Aba! October 15 din ako, at 1984 din 'yong birth year ko!
Lasing 1 at 2: BwaHaHAHa!
Lasing2: Pare, nagtapos ako ng high school sa Manila High. Ikaw pare?
Lasing1: Ha? Akalain mong don din ako nagtapos!
Eh ang name ng tatay ko ay Rudy at ang ang nanay ko si Maria. 
wag mong sabihin na 'yon din name ng parents mo?
Lasing2: Pare, 'yon din pangalan nila! Ang apelyido ko Pascual, sa 'yo
Lasing1: Pascual din pare, pareho tayo! BwaHaHaHa!
(narinig sila ng bartenter at binulungan nya ang katabi nya)
Bartenter: Tol', 'yong kambal na Pascual lasing na naman.

MAKABAGONG VERSION NG BAHAY KUBO

bahay condo,
kahit munti.
ang gadgets doon ay sari-sari.
flat screen na tv,
blue ray na dvd
ipod, ipad at iphone.
laptop na malaki.

laptop na maliit
at saka meron pa
....

Ms Universe views

The Setting:
Pageant Night Ms. Universe Beauty Pageant Q&A Portion.
The Finalists:
Miss America
Miss Spain
Miss Great Britain
Miss Iran
Miss India
Miss Philippines
Question: Ms. America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. America: Well, I would say that, male organs in America are like gentlemen.
Q: Why do you say that?
Ms. America: Because it stands everytime it sees a woman.
(Applause..Applause)
Q: Ms. Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. Spain: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.
Q: Why do you say that?
Ms. Spain: Because it charges everytime it sees an opening.
(Applause..Applause)
Q: Ms. Great Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. Great Britain: Male organs in our country are like Shakespearean actors.
Q: Why do you say that?
Ms. Great Britain: Because it cries after every performance.
(Applause..Applause)
Q: Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in you country?
Ms. Iran: Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like thieves.
Q: Why? Ms. Iran: Because they always enter thru the back door.
(Applause..Applause)
Q: Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. India: A male organ in our country is like a laborer.
Q: Why do you say that?
Ms. India: Because it works day and night.
(Applause..Applause)
Q: Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. Philippines: Ahh..well, opcors, hi,hi,hi…I can say dat male organs in our country are like chismis!
Q: Chismis?
Ms. Philippines: Ayy sorry!!..It’s ano.. Kuwan… It means GOSSIP in our language.
Q: Hmm.. Interesting comparison.. And why do you say that?
Ms. Philippines: Ayy..diyahe!! Hihihi, Kasi… I mean… Because…it passes from mouth to mouth.
(STANDING OVATION)

RIP Rape day pag binasa?

Inday.. Kasama ang Amo sa Sementeryo..
Inday: Mam, lahat pu pala ng nakalibing ditu.. Ginahasa..
Amo: Pano mo naman nalaman Inday?
Inday: Tegnan nyu pu ung Lapeda.. Nakasulat.. RIP..

Busted

INA:Anak tawagan mo nga tatay mo,tanungin mo bakit wala pa siya hanggang ngayon.BALONG:cge nay!.nay babae naman ang sumagot
INA:Lintik!!!sabi ko na nga, may tinatago yang tatay mo, eh! Anong sabi?
BALONG: “You only have one peso in your account…”
Hindi ko natinapos, Nay, mukhang matapobre, eh!Nag Ienglish pa siya di ko na alam kung ano isasagot ko eh kaya sinabi ko nalng na ingatan niya si itay

WTF (WHERE’S THE FISH)

NANAY: anak hugasan mu yung isda … bilis …

ANAK: anu ba yan , utos na naman WTF !!! ….

NANAY: anu ?? What The F*** ???

ANAK: hindi ,…… Where’s The Fish

Pag-ibig na Naglaho!

May mag syota na di na nagkita ng 2 months.. then 1 day nagkita sila ulit..
ang unang tanong ng girl sa boy..
“MAHAL MO PA BA AKO?”
Hindi nakasagot ang boy. ang ginawa niya..kinuha nya ang kamay ng girl sabay itinapatsa kanyang dibdib.At duon napaiyak yung girl..kasi may boobs na pala ang bruka !

The Genius

Guro: Rudy, 4+5?

Rudy: Mam, Nine po!

Guro: Good… 5+4?

Rudy: Mam, 6!

Guro: Mali. Binaligtad ko lang naman ang tanong ah?

… Rudy: E, Mam, binaligtad ko rin po ang sagot!..

Ang Matipid na Misis

Mrs. Tanoy is very kuripot. When her husband died, she inquired with the newspaper, asking the price for the obituary.
The ad taker said: “300 pesos for 5 words.”
She said: “Pwede ba 2 words lang?” “Tanoy dead”
Ad taker: “No mam. 5 words is the minimum.”
After thinking for a while, Mrs. Tanoy said: “Ok, para sulit, ilagay mo,”TANOY DEAD, TOYOTA FOR SALE ”

Ihi ng Tao

Ang ihi pag matamis, may diabetes ka.
Pag maalat, may kidney trouble ka.
Pag maasim, acidic ka.
Pero pag ininom mo, may brain problem ka.

Love Story - Pinoy Style

Sequel to A Love Story

It was jazz an ordinary day. The skies were clear, the birds were chipping. Ang ganda-ganda ng araw!

Nasa SM ako noon at katatapos ko lang mamili ng groceries. Timing naman nasa foodcore si Angel Locsin, nagpro-provoke ng movie nya. Grabe, andaming fans, pull-packed talaga! Dahil fans nya rin ako, nakipila rin ako.

Then suddenly, out of the loo, may bumulong sa akin ng: “Indaaaayyyy……”

Huh? It sounded like a familiar sound. Who can it be now? “Dodong!” sigaw ko.

Napalakas yata voice ko. Kasi the other fans turned their backs to their behind at napatingin sa amin. Sabi ko “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be loud and proud.” Hinawakan na lang ni Dodong ang kamay ko at lumayo kami from the crowd.

“Kamusta na Inday? Do you come here open? tanong nya.

“Bihira lang, Dodong. I’m just droppings by. Ethnic and schedule ko eh” sabi ko.

Memories came flushing in my mind. How can I forget to remember Dodong? Siya na may mata ni Piolo, dimple ni Aga, at bigote ni Rex Cortez. he’s every woman’s dreamboat. I was just starting my tour of duty kay ate noon nang unang makilala ko si Dodong. Contraction worker siya sa ginagawang bahay sa tapat namin. Naging kami for a while then after that were not an item anymore.

“Tanghali na Inday. What did you say we have lunch together?” tanong ni Dodong. “I don’t mine” sagot ko. Sa restaurant, nilapitan kaagad kami ng waiter. “What’s your odor sir?” Sabi nung waiter kay Dodong.

“Do you have porkshop?” tanong ni Dodong.

“Yes sir” sabi nito. “Our porkshop with a resistance to the teeth of Boast of our chef. Domestic careful selection of pork with little fat of Female liking is used. The exquisite cooking which repeated trial and error and Was completed. it also has healthy vegetables with salad feeling fully” Dagdag niya.

“And you mam?” sabay tingin naman sa akin.

Hmmm… mukhang masarap yung porkshop. Pero I’m cutting down on my carbon kaya pinigilan ko.

“I’ll just have water, thanks. Liquidate diet ako eh.” sagot ko.

Pagkatapos kumain, nagyaya si Dodong manood ng sine. Teka teka, this is going too far. Besides, it’s a long, long way to run.

“Reality chess, Dodong. May asawa na ako, si Jay. As a mother of fact, I’m happily married” pagmamalaki ko.

“Di na pwede yung tulad ng dati. Sorry pero I didn’t expect you still have more feelings than I expected. i don’t want you getting the way. Past is fast. Therefore, cause and defect.” dagdag ko pa.

Tumahimik sya. Parang may language barrel na namagitan sa amin. The Seconds that passed seemed like fraternity. Di nagla-on, nagsalita na rin sya.

“I don’t care less!” sigaw ni Dodong.

Shocks, give me a brake! The nerd ng taong ito para sigawan ako! To Think it’s his other woman that caused our separation to part.

Kinabahan na ako. I felt speedbumps all over my body and was having Panic attach. Tinalikuran ko siya at nagmadali akong lumakad palayo. Pero Sumunod pa rin siya like a monkey on my butt. Hanggang sa makakita ako ng Security guard. Biglang nawala si Dodong.

“Excuse me kuya, pwedeng magtanong?” sabi ko sa mamang guard.

“Of course miss, I can help you with my pleasure.” sagot niya.

“Saan po ba ang exit? Could you point me to the right erection? I got Lost in my eyes.”

“Diretso lang.” sabi niya. “Then turn right anytime with care.”

“Thanks for your corporation” sabi ko.

Buti na lang nandun si kuya. Pero saglit lang, I smell something peachy. As I turned, nakita ko na namang nakasunod si Dodong! Delaying static lang pala kanina ang pag disappear nya.

“Nyahahaha! You can run but you can hide, Inday. No matter where you go, there you are!” pananakot nya.

Oh no, is this the end? This is too much, I feel degradable. My world started falling afar.

Then suddenly, Jay come from behind! Dodong was caught to the act! In the matter of minute, it’s all over. I’m out of harm’s way.

“Thanks Jay, my love. But how did you?” bago pa man ako matapos, sabi niya:

“I was in the neighborhood. Fans din ako ni Angel eh. I heard you shout But at first I didn’t give it a thought. Pero nang makita ko kayong magkahawak ng holding hands, then i give it a thought. I know something is a missed.”

From then on, Dodong did not brother me again. In fact, he didn’t even fester me. As in platonic at wala na talaga.

Pero kami ni Jay, heto, shoot sailing pa rin ang relationship. Lalo pa ngayon, open na kami sa isa’t-isa at walang exhibitions. i feel I’m on cloud.

Mag-Ama

Mag ama may sinundo sa pier…first time nakakita ang bata ng barko at sabi…
Anak: Wow Tay! ang laki-laking DANGKA naman nyan tay ohh!
(ama binatukan ang anak dahil sa pagbigkas ng bangka)
Ama: Anong dangka ka dyan! ang laki-laki mo na dangka ng dangka ka pa rin…alam mo anak hindi dangka kung di DARKO yan anak! DARKO kasi malaki yan… ^0^