Erap as Translator

Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:
Bush: "Lets help one another..."
Erap: "Tayo'y magtulungan. ..."
Bush: "...let's strive together..."
Erap: "...tayo'y magsikap..."
Bush: "...because in union there is strength."
Erap: "...dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"

Ang anak

Son: Itay, pinagalitan ako ng titser ko! 
Dad: Bakit? 
Son: Hinalikan ko po ang seatmate ko. 
Dad: Tong anak ko, manang mana. Hehehe. Eh, masarap ba? 
Son: Opo, pogi po sya eh. 

Jues at Ms...

nag ngalas (wondering/ wondered) an jues (judge) kun pa'no na rape su babaying 6 feet tall,ta su akusado was only about 4 ft 10 inches su lang-kaw (height).
hapot kan jues sa nag sampa kan kasong rape: MISS HALANGKAWON, pa'no ka na rape???
miss halangkawon: BUMABA-BA'BA PO AKO YOUR HONOR (kun baga, kuminaka'ka siya).
hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
case dimissed tolos!!!!!!

Ang Laking Krus

"Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano 
ANAK: Tay ! Krus! Ang laking krus! 
TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!" 

IDD call from US:

HUSBAND: hon musta ang tindahan? 

WIFE: dept store na! 

H: ang tuba-an? 

W: KTV bar na! 

H: and mga trickad? 

W: taxi na! 

H: ang dalawa kong anak? 

W: LIMA na! 

Guni-guni

Misis : Darling, ano ang tawag sa isang asawa na sexy, maganda, hindi selosa, mapagmahal, masipag, mapagkalinga, masarap magluto?
Mister: Guni-guni!

A true Filipino

* You hang on the back of a jeepney when it is full, or sit on top of it (like a pincushion).
* You pay lagay with lagay.
* You say "tsu" if a dog or a cat has to be chased away, and it is not a half sneeze.
* You say "chit" if you want to pay in a restaurant or make the rectangular gesture with your thumb and index finger of both hands.
* You beckon someone to come near with outstreched arm and move your hands and fingers up and down, in a scratching manner (compare how mga kano do it, quite the opposite).
* You prefer white skin over brown (again the opposite of mga kano), and the mestizo baby is more admired.
* You think you are from a higher class when your Ingalog is better than your Taglish.
* You are crazy about thropies, medals, ribbons and first honour.
* You are disappointed when a comedy series on tv doesn't end in a slapstick like romp.
* You have a bell-nickname, Ding, Dong etc.
* You prefer to live, when abroad, in San Francisco, because of the home like threat of earthquakes.
* You say you are a doctor, while in a matter of fact you are a condoctor.
* You always write your names in fresh concrete when you get the chance.
* You greet by asking: "Saan ka pupunta, " and greet back vaguely, "Bayan!"
* You have the same name as a celebrity, Garcia, Ramos or Juan de la Cruz, f.i., and you are always a relative.
* You carry water in a plastic container hung on a long bamboo pole with one end over your shoulder and on the other end little wheels cut out of slippers.

* You use a tabo made from a red plastic oil bottle of which you cut the top to take a shower (also excellent as a bailer in a bangka).
* You pull the pukot for a meal of dilis.
* You believe in white ladies dwelling in a big tree (balita or accacia).
* You comb your hair just before the ferry boat arrives on the pier.
* You swim with your clothes on.
* You "mano po" to the head of the family.
* You run for shelter when it starts raining with your hand on the top of your head.
* You call to a kano: Hey Joe, what's your name? (And I answer: Hoy pinoy, hay pinay, my name is Joe!)
* You ask impertinent questions to a kano like how often he does it at night.
* You drink fresh tubo in the top of a palmtree with your friend out of one glass.
* You carry an item, like for example a poundbag of sugar, on your flat hand next to your ear.
* You can run fast on slippers and faster with the slippers in your hand.
* You roll up your T-shirt when it is warm to show your belly (for males only).
* You smoke a cigarette with the burning end inside your mouth (for old ladies only).
* You drink with one glass from a pitcher, filled with Red Horse beer and ginebra f.i., and eat pulutan with one fork when you are in a company of friends.
* You lay down your bolo before entering a house.
* You have illegal handguns in the house or carry a small revolver in your belt or underpants.
* You call somebody who owes you a lot of money and fails to pay an "utang ina mo".
* You are a Dutch-Filipino if you think that the Philippines was named after the bulbs manufacturer Philips

How do you know a filipino who lived in japan?

1. You take a taxi to go to a place even when it takes only 7 minutes on foot.
2.You go first to the basement at the embassy to eat dinuguan before submitting your application 10 minutes before lunch break.
3.You eat sushi with a fork.
4.You take miso soup from a rice bowl with a spoon.
5.You eat your fish with your hand instead of chopsticks.
6.You serve adobo in the caldero (pan).
7.You put the rice cooker in the middle of the table.
8.You are the only foreigner who orders pig's blood from the butcher.
9.You buy all the fish heads at the fish stall.

Hinubad ko nman panty ko

Inday: Tay ang saya po pala mag tumbling sa paaralan  no.. 


Tatay: hindi ka ba nag.iisip..makikita nila ang panty mo..

Inday: hay naku si tatay talaga..ang dali nyo naman mataranta

Tatay:ehh bakit mo naman nasabi yan anak??

Inday: eh hinubad ko nman panty ko eh para di nila makita..

SUNDUAN

BF: Sunduin kita mamaya ha,
Bubusina nalang ako kapag nasa harap na ako ng bahay nyo.
GF: OK sige,anong dala mong sasakyan?
BF: Wala....busina lang hehehe.