Pedro & Juan..
Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!
Juan: Maniwala ako?!
Pedro: Totoo!
Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?
Pedro: Asin!
************ *****
Tatay to anak..
TATAY: Bagsak ka na naman! Ba't di mo gayahin si Pedro? Palaging may honor.
ANAK: Unfair naman kung ikumpara nyo ako kay Pedro.
TATAY: Bakit naman?
ANAK: Matalino Tatay nun
************ *****
Tatay: Anak, ibili mo nga ako ng softdrink
Anak: Coke o Pepsi?
Tatay: Coke
Anak: Diet o Regular?
Tatay: regular
Anak: Bote o in can?
Tatay: Bote
Anak: 8 oz o litro?
Tatay:Bwiset, tubig na nga lang.
Anak: Mineral o distilled?
Tatay: Mineral.
Anak: Malamig o hindi?
Tatay: Hahampasin na kita ng walis eh!
Anak: Tambo o tingting?
Tatay: Hayop ka!
Anak: Baka o kambing?
************ ********* ******
Mental patient is singing while lying in his hospital bed. After a song, he turns face down to sing again.
NURSE: Bakit ka bumaliktad?
PATIENT: Side B na kasi eh.
************ ********* ******
ANAK: ;'Nay, sabi ng titser ko ang ina ay ILAW NG TAHANAN. Eh ano naman po ang tawag sa ama?
INA: (aburido) Sabihin mo sa ma'am mo, ang AMA ang taga-PUNDI NG ILAW!!!
************ ********* ******
doc: iho, bakit mu naman sinapak ung lalaki kanina?
Boy: e doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako sa resulta ng AIDS test tapos sasabihin pa niya... THINK POSITIVE !
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **
Mahirap intindihin ang mga Kano kasi sa kanila ang malambot "SoP", ang sabaw "SoP", ang sabon "SoP" pa rin.
************ ********* ******
ANAK: ' Tay , anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun. Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!!
************ ********* ******
What would happen if you have a wooden car with wooden wheels, a wooden chair and a wooden engine? It wooden start!!!
************ ********* ******
Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquil.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, P as in pidio, I as in idio, D as in dio, I as in io, and O as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel:
A as in Airport, B as in Because, A as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba , U as in Europe , E as in important, and L as in elephant.
************ ********* ******
Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?
Pinoy: No, Big cup!! Big cup!
Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast?
Pinoy: Hameneggs.
Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.
Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.
Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your eggs...fried? poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?
Pinoy: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled.
Waiter: And what bread would you like?
Pinoy: Begyurpardon?
Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? whole wheat? toast?
Pinoy: Pan Americano
Waiter: We don't have that.
Pinoy: Okey, gib me taystee..
Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.
Pinoy: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?
Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time, what would you like for breakfast?
Pinoy: Donut plis....
************ ********* ******
Two married men talking...
1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa.
************ ********* ******
Anak : Tays! kakains nas tayos!
Tatay : Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha ! Ano ba ang ulam ? Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !
************ ********* ******
BISAYA 1 : Unsay ibig sabihon ng "cooling place"?
BISAYA 2 : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihon mo: "Hilow, hus cooling place?"
************ ********* ******
A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight." So the Chinese guy says "I love liver and cheese." She says "That's not good enough" The Japanese man says "I hate liver and cheese" She says "That's not creative" Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!"
************ ********* ******
How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog? Pinch a piece of siopao and let the cat smell it. If the cat likes it...rat! If it doesn't...cat! If it runs...dog!
************ ********* ******
What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in the Philippines ? In the US , they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to US!
*********** ********* ******
Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap? Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan! Pag Bumbay - 5-6! Pag Kano - credit card! E pag Intsik - C.O.D.!!!!
************ ********* ******
Lulubog na ang barko...
PARI: San Pedro, San Jose ...
MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara...
INTSIK: lubok na balko! tawag pa kayo pasahelo!
Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!
Juan: Maniwala ako?!
Pedro: Totoo!
Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?
Pedro: Asin!
************ *****
Tatay to anak..
TATAY: Bagsak ka na naman! Ba't di mo gayahin si Pedro? Palaging may honor.
ANAK: Unfair naman kung ikumpara nyo ako kay Pedro.
TATAY: Bakit naman?
ANAK: Matalino Tatay nun
************ *****
Tatay: Anak, ibili mo nga ako ng softdrink
Anak: Coke o Pepsi?
Tatay: Coke
Anak: Diet o Regular?
Tatay: regular
Anak: Bote o in can?
Tatay: Bote
Anak: 8 oz o litro?
Tatay:Bwiset, tubig na nga lang.
Anak: Mineral o distilled?
Tatay: Mineral.
Anak: Malamig o hindi?
Tatay: Hahampasin na kita ng walis eh!
Anak: Tambo o tingting?
Tatay: Hayop ka!
Anak: Baka o kambing?
************ ********* ******
Mental patient is singing while lying in his hospital bed. After a song, he turns face down to sing again.
NURSE: Bakit ka bumaliktad?
PATIENT: Side B na kasi eh.
************ ********* ******
ANAK: ;'Nay, sabi ng titser ko ang ina ay ILAW NG TAHANAN. Eh ano naman po ang tawag sa ama?
INA: (aburido) Sabihin mo sa ma'am mo, ang AMA ang taga-PUNDI NG ILAW!!!
************ ********* ******
doc: iho, bakit mu naman sinapak ung lalaki kanina?
Boy: e doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako sa resulta ng AIDS test tapos sasabihin pa niya... THINK POSITIVE !
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **
Mahirap intindihin ang mga Kano kasi sa kanila ang malambot "SoP", ang sabaw "SoP", ang sabon "SoP" pa rin.
************ ********* ******
ANAK: ' Tay , anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun. Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!!
************ ********* ******
What would happen if you have a wooden car with wooden wheels, a wooden chair and a wooden engine? It wooden start!!!
************ ********* ******
Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquil.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, P as in pidio, I as in idio, D as in dio, I as in io, and O as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel:
A as in Airport, B as in Because, A as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba , U as in Europe , E as in important, and L as in elephant.
************ ********* ******
Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?
Pinoy: No, Big cup!! Big cup!
Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast?
Pinoy: Hameneggs.
Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.
Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.
Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your eggs...fried? poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?
Pinoy: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled.
Waiter: And what bread would you like?
Pinoy: Begyurpardon?
Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? whole wheat? toast?
Pinoy: Pan Americano
Waiter: We don't have that.
Pinoy: Okey, gib me taystee..
Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.
Pinoy: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?
Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time, what would you like for breakfast?
Pinoy: Donut plis....
************ ********* ******
Two married men talking...
1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa.
************ ********* ******
Anak : Tays! kakains nas tayos!
Tatay : Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha ! Ano ba ang ulam ? Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !
************ ********* ******
BISAYA 1 : Unsay ibig sabihon ng "cooling place"?
BISAYA 2 : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihon mo: "Hilow, hus cooling place?"
************ ********* ******
A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight." So the Chinese guy says "I love liver and cheese." She says "That's not good enough" The Japanese man says "I hate liver and cheese" She says "That's not creative" Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!"
************ ********* ******
How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog? Pinch a piece of siopao and let the cat smell it. If the cat likes it...rat! If it doesn't...cat! If it runs...dog!
************ ********* ******
What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in the Philippines ? In the US , they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to US!
*********** ********* ******
Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap? Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan! Pag Bumbay - 5-6! Pag Kano - credit card! E pag Intsik - C.O.D.!!!!
************ ********* ******
Lulubog na ang barko...
PARI: San Pedro, San Jose ...
MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara...
INTSIK: lubok na balko! tawag pa kayo pasahelo!
