NURSE: nasa isip mo ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: siyempre man! OO!
[Nurse natuwa..]
NURSE: asan ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: nasa isip ko.
BALIW: siyempre man! OO!
[Nurse natuwa..]
NURSE: asan ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: nasa isip ko.
ano pinag-iba
Math teacher: ano pinag-iba ng 69 sa 6.9?
Student: Mam pareho lang po sila ng position kaya lang mas kadiri ang 6.9 kasi may period….
Student: Mam pareho lang po sila ng position kaya lang mas kadiri ang 6.9 kasi may period….
Ita at Pating
lumubog ang barko, patay lahat ng tao. Ita lang ang naiwan.
ITA: halika pating, kainin mo ko.
PATING: wag mo kong lokohin. Di ako tanga! Pusit ka!
ITA: halika pating, kainin mo ko.
PATING: wag mo kong lokohin. Di ako tanga! Pusit ka!
Nabalitaan
Pedro: ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano nang walang parachute.
Leo: oh totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?
Pedro: dun sa burol niya!
Leo: oh totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?
Pedro: dun sa burol niya!
In the ward
A bored sadist, murderer, necrophile, zoophile, pyromaniac and masochist in a psychiatric ward.
SADIST: hey, why don’t we torture a cat?
ZOOPHILE: yeah! We’ll torture a cat then fuck it!
MURDERER: we’ll torture it, fuck it and them kill it!
NECROPHILE: we’ll torture it, fuck it, kill it, and then fuck it again!
PYROMANIAC: Yeah, then we’ll burn the cat!
[sudden silence.. Then all asked the masochist, “WHY don’t you say anything?”]
MASOCHIST: meow!
SADIST: hey, why don’t we torture a cat?
ZOOPHILE: yeah! We’ll torture a cat then fuck it!
MURDERER: we’ll torture it, fuck it and them kill it!
NECROPHILE: we’ll torture it, fuck it, kill it, and then fuck it again!
PYROMANIAC: Yeah, then we’ll burn the cat!
[sudden silence.. Then all asked the masochist, “WHY don’t you say anything?”]
MASOCHIST: meow!
Hindi Ako Bingi
Bumibili: (pasigaw) pabili pong SAFEGUARD
Tindera: (galit na sumigaw) wag kang sumigaw jan!!!
hindi ako bingi!! anong SIMCARD? globe o smart?
Tindera: (galit na sumigaw) wag kang sumigaw jan!!!
hindi ako bingi!! anong SIMCARD? globe o smart?
Hanapin
Anak: PA ! Tulungan mo nga po ako sa Assignment ko ..
PAPA: Anu ba yung Assignment mo ?
Anak: Hanapin daw ung Denaminator ..
PAPA: Grade 3 pa ko nyan Aa.. Di parin nila nahahanap !!!!
PAPA: Anu ba yung Assignment mo ?
Anak: Hanapin daw ung Denaminator ..
PAPA: Grade 3 pa ko nyan Aa.. Di parin nila nahahanap !!!!
Pinoy Contractor Abroad
Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well,” he says. “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Filipino contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “What? You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??
“Easy,” the Pinoy explains, “$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico “.
The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.
One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well,” he says. “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Filipino contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “What? You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??
“Easy,” the Pinoy explains, “$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico “.
The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.
A DIALOGUE BETWEEN TWO DISCONNECTED MINDS:
Me: (Catching a glimpse of myself on a hand mirror) Kailangan ko na yatang magpa-facelift.
Personal Assistant: (Overhearing me talking to myself) Huh? Aga pa, ma’am!
Me: (Smiling now) Uy, talaga ha!
PA: Opo, ma’am, it’s too early for that …
Me: Eh, kelan kaya?
PA: Di ba every 15th at 30th kayo nagpapayroll? May 4 lang ngayon.
Me: Ha? Ano naman ang kinalaman ng payroll sa agpapa-facelift ko???
PA: Ay, akala ko sabi mo “pay slip!” Hahahahahaha…
Me: Ano ka ba? Ako ang Capampangan, di ikaw! Hahahahaha…
Personal Assistant: (Overhearing me talking to myself) Huh? Aga pa, ma’am!
Me: (Smiling now) Uy, talaga ha!
PA: Opo, ma’am, it’s too early for that …
Me: Eh, kelan kaya?
PA: Di ba every 15th at 30th kayo nagpapayroll? May 4 lang ngayon.
Me: Ha? Ano naman ang kinalaman ng payroll sa agpapa-facelift ko???
PA: Ay, akala ko sabi mo “pay slip!” Hahahahahaha…
Me: Ano ka ba? Ako ang Capampangan, di ikaw! Hahahahaha…
Katapusan Na!
Lumindol ng malakas noon….
Nagkagulo ang lahat at nag panic!
Sumigaw ang isang lalaki…’Katapusan na! Katapusan na!’
Sumagot ang isa pang lalaki….
‘Tanga! A-kinse pa alang!’
Nagkagulo ang lahat at nag panic!
Sumigaw ang isang lalaki…’Katapusan na! Katapusan na!’
Sumagot ang isa pang lalaki….
‘Tanga! A-kinse pa alang!’
Lasing
Lasing 1: Pare! Bibilhin ko yung
MOA at LRT bukas!
Lasing 2: Ayala malls at MRT
bibilhin ko eh.
Lasing 3: Weak! PLDT,
MERALCO, BDO, LANDMARK bibilhin ko bukas!
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. Lasing4: Kakapal ng mga muka
niyo! Sino maysabing
binebenta ko yung mga yun?
Lasing 2: Ayala malls at MRT
bibilhin ko eh.
Lasing 3: Weak! PLDT,
MERALCO, BDO, LANDMARK bibilhin ko bukas!
.
.
.
.
. .
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. .
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. Lasing4: Kakapal ng mga muka
niyo! Sino maysabing
binebenta ko yung mga yun?
I see
Juan: Ano ba iyan pare, bakit naman basang-basa iyang damit mo?
Pedro: ‘Pre wash-and-wear kasi to eh.
Date
Gf: bakit ba tuwing nag dadate tayo wala ka palaging pira?
Bf: alam mo naman nag aaral patayo asan naman ako kukuha ng pan date?
Gf: aba! alangan naman ako lagi ang gagastos. bakit di mo ipunin ang baon mo
araw-araw?
Bf: di puwedi
Gf: bakit?
Bf: dinga puwedi eh!
Gf: bakit nga?
Bf: mapapanis! diba tuwing sabado tayo nag dadate?
kung iipunin ko mula lunis ang baon kong kamote, saging, suman,
kamoting kahuy, eh di bulok na yon pag dating ng Sabado!!!
Bf: alam mo naman nag aaral patayo asan naman ako kukuha ng pan date?
Gf: aba! alangan naman ako lagi ang gagastos. bakit di mo ipunin ang baon mo
araw-araw?
Bf: di puwedi
Gf: bakit?
Bf: dinga puwedi eh!
Gf: bakit nga?
Bf: mapapanis! diba tuwing sabado tayo nag dadate?
kung iipunin ko mula lunis ang baon kong kamote, saging, suman,
kamoting kahuy, eh di bulok na yon pag dating ng Sabado!!!
Gantihan
ANAK: Tay yung kaklase ko ang damot talaga.
TATAY: Bakit anak?
ANAK: kasi hindi niya ako ininvite sa libing ng tatay n'ya kainan na naman sana dun,..tingnan n'ya lang tay hindi ko rin sya iinvite sa libing muh.
TATAY: Bakit anak?
ANAK: kasi hindi niya ako ininvite sa libing ng tatay n'ya kainan na naman sana dun,..tingnan n'ya lang tay hindi ko rin sya iinvite sa libing muh.
Kaasar
Isang araw
Bf: kakaasar talaga, sarap sapakin nung nakasalubong natin kahapon,
Gf: bakit ano bang nangyari?
Bf: sabihan ba naman ako na mukha akong magsasaka pag kasama kita...
Gf: ok lang yun dear, at least marangal ang magsasaka, bakit niya naman nasabi yun?
Bf: kasi mukhang kalabaw daw ang kasama ko
Gf: ganun Asan yung hayop na yun, papatayin ko lang
Bf: kakaasar talaga, sarap sapakin nung nakasalubong natin kahapon,
Gf: bakit ano bang nangyari?
Bf: sabihan ba naman ako na mukha akong magsasaka pag kasama kita...
Gf: ok lang yun dear, at least marangal ang magsasaka, bakit niya naman nasabi yun?
Bf: kasi mukhang kalabaw daw ang kasama ko
Gf: ganun Asan yung hayop na yun, papatayin ko lang
Lesson for Today
TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
JUAN: ako ma’am! Ako ma’am!
TEACHER: okay Juan, what is science?
JUAN: science is our lesson for today.
Real Son
Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
Juan: Kapag yung baboy natin malakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino ba talaga ang anak mo, ako o ung baboy? Umayos ka ‘nay! Wag ganun!
Muntik Lang
Anak: Nay muntikan na po akong maging top 1 sa klase.
Nanay: Bakit mo naman yan nasabi anak?
Anak: Kasi po nung nag announce si teacher kung sino yung top 1 yung tinuro po yung katabi ko..muntikan ng maging ako.
Nanay: Bakit mo naman yan nasabi anak?
Anak: Kasi po nung nag announce si teacher kung sino yung top 1 yung tinuro po yung katabi ko..muntikan ng maging ako.
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